Day 5 in the Big Brother House

(There is no Day 4 as the author was at the time hunched over a toilet after leaning too much on the coping mechanism that is gin)

Mia woke up bleary eyed and questioning just how embarrassing/ inappropriate her actions the previous night were. This paranoia, though unpleasant, was reassuringly familiar to the Saturday mornings that followed Friday nights of yore, when going out dancing involved more than walking down the stairs to one’s living room.

Naomi once more made bold statements of intent regarding the cleaning of her bedroom. These are yet to be realised. Tomorrow will be the day, apparently.

Buddleia raised the self-care bar in the house by embarking on a several hour long hair mask involving coconut oil and wandering around in a strikingly blue shower cap. Every visitor to the house has initially assumed it to be a low-budget hasmat suit/protective device. The link between hair and Covid-19 is yet to be explored in depth.

Jodie perfected her stretching technique. It now involves making sinister eye contact with bystanders, done to a soundtrack of Run DMC’s It’s Tricky.

Tensions arose when it was discovered that 8 of the 15 eggs in the house were used by Buddleia to make her signature Spanish omelette. Luckily, a compromise was reached: Naomi shall have access to slices of it and Buddleia’s egg supply is now cut off.

FOR CLARIFICATION:

The term ‘visitors’ here is taken to mean any person standing 2m away from the front door, nervously dropping off food.